London Calling. London Walks connecting.
This is London. This is London Walks. Streets Ahead. Story time. History time.
And today, Dame Edna Everage time.
Which is to say, oh my gosh, are we going off piste today.
Yes, that’s right, a guest appearance from Dame Edna.
Ok, I say Dame Edna – and I’m going to produce her in just a minute – but this ‘cast could also be headed up, Let Us Now Praise Famous Guides. In this instance, one guide in particular. The outrageously talented Simon Whitehouse. Simon’s an actor, a university lecturer and the platonic ideal of a great guide. A dream of a guide.
Goes without saying Simon’s got that top flight professional qualification: he’s a Blue Badge Guide. But you know something, every teacher has a teaching qualification. But that qualification doesn’t make them a brilliant teacher. Think back on your own school days. You probably had a few teachers who were pretty awful. And then a middling bunch who were ok. You know, passable. A few who were pretty good. And one or two who were dynamite. Brilliant teachers. Off the charts wonderful. And trust me, it’s the same thing in this line of work. Professionally qualified guides are just like teachers. Phalanxes of them. Ranging from poor to run of the mill to ok to brilliant to beyond brilliant. It’s the beyond brilliant ones that make it onto Team London Walks.
And one of them, needless to say, is Simon Whitehouse. He’s hugely in demand. The rave reviews cascade in. Never so much as a lukewarm one, let alone the thumbs down variety. Whatever the intangible is, Simon’s got it. In spades. That intangible is the star on top of the Christmas tree. The rest of the decorations are the sine qua nons. Simon’s exceptionally bright. He’s fun. He’s charismatic. He knows his stuff. He likes people. He doesn’t just guide. Guiding is the bare minimum. It’s the lowest common denominator. Simon performs. He transfigures guiding. Turns it into a really good show, a work of art.
And, yes, I could just be saying all of this. Rabbiting on. Saying is one thing. Showing is another. And now I’m going to show you. Off the charts talented, Simon from time to time gives vent to a little number that he’s fashioned just for fun.
Nanely, the already alluded to show-stopper Dame Edna Everage impersonation. That he can do Dame Edna Everage to perfection is one measure of what a treat he is, how good he is. Who wouldn’t want this guy for a guide?
It’s two hours of all your birthdays come at once.
Ok, that’s the drum roll.
And speaking of birthdays…
Here’s Dame Edna.
It’s me Dame Edna Everage, broadcasting live or should I say dead from the other side. Don’t adjust your speaker, I really am ringing you from beyond the grave, which I must say has marvellous acoustics and considerably better casing than the Paddington Hilton. Now my darling David Tucker, 80 years young, 80. When they told me I nearly choked on my ectoplasm, 80 and still co-owner of London walks marching platoons of jet-lagged Americans through the rain telling them Kensington’s stories before they’ve even had their tea.
That’s not a walking tour possum, that’s an endurance event with a gift shop. I know you’ve spent decades darling leading people up and down Fleet Street through Westminster pretending that Dr Johnson was a personal friend of yours, as though you were there for all of it personally, which frankly at 80 some of your customers probably assume you were, I won’t discourage that rumour darling, I won’t. But listen darling, 80 is nothing. I intend to go on being fabulous for decades after my own funeral, so you’ve still got plenty of mileage left.
Keep guiding, keep charming the Yanks, keep being adored and know that somewhere up here or possibly down there depending on the day, I am wearing something spunky and spangly and thinking of you fondly. Happy birthday you gorgeous old thing, spooky kisses, mega spooky kisses actually, I’m dead, I can afford to be generous with them. Yours, Dame Edna, forever, apparently.
Thanks ever so much, Dame Edna.
And for the rest of you, see you tomorrow.